Comedian Destroys Wallstreet
I’ve always heard that 90% of mutual funds underperform the S&P 500, and I’ve also heard that academics believe it’s impossible for any individual stock picker to outperform the S&P 500 over a long period of time. And yet, there are a lot of well known investors now, for example Dr. Michael Burry (a.k.a Christian Bale from “The Big Short”) saying that indices like the S&P 500 are “over-priced” due to the huge increase in passive investing lately.
So that leaves us with a conundrum… Is one wise to put one’s savings in an S&P 500 index fund (which is currently “over-priced”) or wise to invest in a mutual fund, which 90% of the time will underperform the S&P 500? It seems like the answer would be neither. That’s right, the answer is you go with my Joe Z eZ money portfolio.
That’s right, in the face of all of the odds, not to mention my complete lack of financial acumen, I will destroy the mutual funds and the indices. But first, some context…
The reason I’m so brazenly confident is yes, hindsight. I took a look back at the stocks I wanted to buy in the past but didn’t. In 2006, I thought Google, Chipotle, and Panera Bread were no-brainers, and Cracker Barrel (Because I lived in the southeast). But as for the first three, all of the experts said, “too expensive” and in regards to Cracker Barrel… well not many Wall Street gurus were talking about it. Meanwhile, look at the results if I’d trusted the obvious picks, done zero due diligence, and thrown my money at these companies!
Since 2006 Google is up 1000%, Chipotle 2700%, Panera Bread 600% (before it got acquired in 2016) and Cracker Barrel 400%. That’s a very solid 1200% return vs. the S&P’s 300%. Of course, I didn’t buy any of these stocks at the time and I know what you’re thinking: “Joe you’ve probably conveniently forgotten the companies you liked that have tanked since then” and you might even say, “But Joe, if you’d bought Chipotle how do we know you would have held it all this time?” and to that I say…don’t question my hindsight!
I crushed the market! Or, specifically, I did not crush the market, because I didn’t buy. But now I know in hindsight that I’m an investing genius. And thanks to Robinhood, where I can buy stocks for no fees, I now have the free trading leverage to prove it. I’m ready to make my hunches and—regardless of how “expensive” experts say they are— and buy and hold them and do nothing, and CRUSH Wall Street, while proving the academics wrong, all at the same time.
I will come back a year from now and compare my eZ money portfolio vs. the greatest investors of our time: Cathy Woods (ARKK), Warren Buffett (BRK.B), Ray Dalio (Hedge Fund), Dr. Michael Burry (The Big Short), Mad Money’s Jim Cramer, etc.
Here are my pics, that I guarantee will outperform and shock the nation (using the stock prices as of 4 pm, Wed March 24, 2021).
Zoom (314.96) Investment thesis: Duh. A brief look into Zoom, most experts say the stock is currently “way too expensive” and/or “dangerously expensive”.
Etsy (199.18) Um, duh again? Etsy is the feel good alternative to Amazon. There is no competition in the $130 home-made rustic glow-in-the-dark bird-feeder e-commerce space. You can click a button, send your invisible internet money to a small business owner, and feel vaguely good about yourself. Incredible.
Zillow (133.22) I have two real estate friends who hate Zillow, while everyone else I know uses Zillow (Zillow also owns Trulia and Street EZ). You know it’s a disruptive company when the humans it displaces talk down on it while they lose their customers to it. The real estate agents sound lik cab drivers did four years ago, “Those Ubers don’t know how to drive! They have to use GPS! There’s no personal touch anymore!” Plus I think this year’s SNL sketch sealed the deal for Zillow as a sexy brand.
Amazon (3087.07) You heard about these guys? They seem like they’re doing well. Also I finally gave up and bought a Kindle.
Google (2032.53) These guys are coming up, you should check them out. Every night before bed, I press play on ten hours of white noise on YouTube, but each time, they first hook me first with twelve other videos, each with its own targeted ad. The robots are getting really good. Perhaps AI is going to take over the world by hooking us so hard to our devices that we don’t notice them behind us smelling the roses and living their lives to the fullest.
Apple: (120.09) People seem to buy their products a lot.
Netflix (520.81): Sorry to be so OBVIOUS again WALLSTREET LOSERS, in my ability to ABSOLUTELY CRUSH you with my contrarian picks.
Disney (184.72) Two words, baby Yoda.
Roku (318.45) Speaking of Amazon, Apple, Netflix, and Disney, have you heard about this cable cord cutting thing? I feel like it’s got some buzz. People love their Rokus, and this stock is going through the roof! Also, a quick look into the CEO/Founder shows an eccentric British genius with a history of inventing cool tech things.
Chipotle (1422.96) Every time I ask a friend for their top five favorite fast casual corporate chain dining experiences, and I ask this question quite frequently, Chipotle consistently lands in the top two, and no other chain comes close. Sure, Chick-fil-A hangs tough in the south, and In-N-Out on the west coast, but those are regional. Get it together regional chains! Also Chipotle just added a new organic Hibiscus lemonade that I like.
Shake Shack (110.88) This is the only up and coming fast casual corporate dining chain with almost as much customer love as Chipotle had back in 2006. Great shakes, great burgers, great fries. A simple 1, 2, 3 punch. Plus, they added a new vegetarian burger so everyone can be happy now.
Beyond Meat (130.21) So apparently Shake Shack is doing away with their vegetarian burger and I get it, it’s off brand. But Millennials and Gen Z are dying to put their money toward saving the climate while eating, so there you go, Beyond Meat.
Callaway (26.14) Callaway golf just merged with Topgolf, and I only know this because every time I’ve been to a TopGolf, I’ve never seen so many families so happy to rack up large credit card tabs in such a condensed window of time. I myself, have experienced joy while at TopGolf, and if it can hit me while also hitting families, that’s a dangerous combo. Also my Dad keeps buying new Callaway Drivers so that seems positive as well.
Match (139.80) Match owns Hinge, Tinder, OKCupid, and 50 other online dating sites. Everyone I know is on one of these sites, and I have a 55 year old friend who recently met his new girlfriend on Hinge. These sites are very efficient at taking your money in the name of love, and if you fall in love, that means you’re a satisfied customer…and if you don’t fall in love, that means you’re a recurring customer. I for one am ready to make money off all these pandemic break-ups.
Axon (133.45) Republicans/ Democrats can’t agree on anything except that police officers need more tasers and body cams. In fact, they can’t buy them enough tasers and body cams. And that’s where Axon comes in. Tasers, boom. Body cams, blam. And evidence tracking software that’s going to solve all the crimes in the cloud before humans even know about them. Axon is like those three under-water kids in “Minority Report” who predict crimes in the future for Tom Cruise to stop, except instead of three children it’s a cold, faceless corporation.
Pinterest (69.60) I was trying to think how I could make money off women, and there it is, Pinterest. Women pin things they want, and then advertisers sell them those things. “But men too” you protest, and the advertisers laugh.
Spotify (258.68) Just getting some early Netflix vibes.
Teladoc (181.99) At one point I had two therapists and two doctors through Teladoc and previously I hadn’t seen a doctor in seven years. Surely this is a lucrative business model.
Moderna (131.61) First to the finish line on Covid vaccine, seems like they’ll be first to the finish line on a lot more disease cures. Google this and you’ll find a bunch of articles about it being “dangerously expensive”. Well yeah, the cure for cancer is worth paying for!
Planet Fitness (73.49) After a year of body-weight exercises at home, running around your yard, and yoga with Adrienne, I’m convinced that gyms are about to get slammed. Men are extremely ready to start grunting in front of each other again, and women are ready to wear their headphones while ignoring those men, and all genders are so ready to get back to the gentle sway of the elliptical while watching soap operas.
And lastly, Bitcoin because I am stupid. (51,915.70)
Can anyone explain to me what Bitcoin is? Absolutely not. I just watched ten YouTube videos in a row trying to explain why it’s great, and it’s never been more clear to me that the Bitcoin guys themselves do not understand it. They sound a lot like those potheads who talk about quantum physics, “It’s crazy man.”
“In what way?”
“Dude. Just trust me.”
But my hot take is, if enough coin-heads believe that Bitcoin has value, then that’s really all it takes for it to have value. After all, gold is just a hunk of soft metal. What is anyone really going to do with gold? Same thing they’re doing with a Bitcoin: hoard it, lose it, steal it, sell it, pawn it, or brag about it. And unlike baseball cards in the 90s, Bitcoin has a limited supply.
Okay, so there you have it, my eZ money portfolio. I’ll check back in a year, and compare my OBVIOUS gut instinct picks to the greatest investors of all time, as well as mutual funds, indices, robo funds, etc.
I’m pretty excited to destroy Wallstreet with my guesses and lack of financial understanding. But I’m also trying to stay humble about this massive future win that shocks the nation.
