Wow, I started a Blog
Dear Nation,
It is with great humility that I write my first blog. I will try to stay humble as the nation gets shocked. Though I admit it will be difficult (to stay humble).
Over the past few years, many people have pleaded with me to write a blog. They say, “Please Joe, we are DYING to know what you are thinking”. I say, “But why? Who would want to read about my thoughts and opinions?”, and they respond, “Everyone! The Nation!”, and I blush. And I try to stay humble. Sometimes when I blush, I fan my face with one of those Japanese flip fans. I have a customized fan that says, “I’m with stupid”. Which is funny because I’m usually alone.
So by popular demand here I am, and after a great volume of research on which blogging platform to go with, the team here at Joe Zimmerman congratulates SquareSpace founder Anthony Casalena on landing this massive account. Anthony and I spent many hours going back and forth over Zoom — him pitching me on why he wanted me as a client, followed by me blushing.
Ultimately I felt Anthony’s pitch was more personalized than Avishai Abrihami’s pitch (Avi is the founder of Wix). Avi is a terrific Israeli businessman who I admire, but in the end SquareSpace agreed to give me a seven year 60 million deal with a no-trade clause, whereas Avishai could only commit to four years, 30 million.
Secondly, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know I’m a bit late, being that it is now February, but I didn’t have this blog started at Christmas. So, there it is. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Also Valentine’s Day is coming up, so if you didn’t get me a Christmas present, you can always get me something for V-day.
Here are some frequently asked questions about my blog so far:
What can we expect from your blog?
Greatness. Genius. Humility.
Will there be any recurring themes in your writing?
Yes. Some recurring themes I’m considering:
This Week in Monkeys
I love science and I love monkeys, so I really love monkey science. I take a look at a new monkey study each month, and why it is so fun. Studies like “Bonobos smarter than previously thought” or “Macaques Exhibit Culture” or “Vervets are Alcoholics”, those kind of things. Occasionally this week in monkeys might be “This week in Dolphins” or “This week in Prairie Dogs” or “This Week in Crows.”
The Diary Entries of Kenneth Pilkwood
A West Virginia civil war era general has stumbled through a time portal landing him in 2021, where he now carves out a living as a Lyft driver, and writes letters to his love to deal with his confusion. At some point he will learn about Ancestry . com and track down his great, great, great granddaughter, who is of course a budding YouTube influencer.
Dear Salt
I enjoy the anonymous advice column “Dear Sugar”, so I figured I could give some anonymous salty advice (feel free to email me your advice questions, preferably make them juicy and gossipy).
A Brief History of this One Time
I finally read Stephen Hawking while reminiscing on my own cosmic past.
Self Help Attempts Book Club
No explanation needed.
The Compliment Award
I award someone with my coveted compliment.
Joe Z EZ MONEY Method
I make money for my shareholders.
If I had an OnlyFans account…here’s what you’d get
That’s right, I will share my plant pics, bird pics, and diary entries, free of charge.
Sports Gossip
We discuss the Tiger documentary, Lebron rumors, and Charles Barkley updates.
And check it out, I’ve already figured out how to add images!
Here are some stoic trees Whoever comes up with the best caption for these trees in the comment section, will win one of my coveted compliments.
